


Ending of a Beginning

by fab_fan



Series: Drunk Words - Sober Thoughts [7]
Category: Motherland: Fort Salem (TV)
Genre: Arguing, Author Is Sleep Deprived, F/F, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, Idiots in Love, Light Angst, Why Did I Write This?, You asked for this, possible break up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24978490
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fab_fan/pseuds/fab_fan
Summary: Raelle looked to the side, not meeting her eyes, “I’m not seeking a discharge.”Scylla felt everything stop.Even her heart refused to beat.She didn’t understand.Raelle’s hands fell from her grip as she absently moved back, unable to stay near the words that threatened to shatter her entire self.Tilting her head, Scylla squinted, “What?” She must have heard wrong. Wasn’t understanding. Was thinking she heard one thing when it was something else that was said.Raelle was quiet, “I’m not leaving the Army.”
Relationships: Raelle Collar/Scylla Ramshorn
Series: Drunk Words - Sober Thoughts [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1755784
Comments: 32
Kudos: 275





	Ending of a Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> You all asked for this. Remember that.
> 
> Takes place before Cession Champagne.

The front door to the small apartment clicked shut with a small snick, the bright afternoon sunlight racing its last few beams on the heels of well tread brown boots. Scylla juggled the bags in her hands, the apples she’d selected from the market threatening to topple over into the stalks of celery and pouch of tea leaves. She dropped her keys into the small bowl at her side, the small ceramic container put there because, while she loved her girlfriend, Raelle always lost or forgot her keys. Always. A leftover habit from growing up where most people didn’t lock their doors or had working cars to worry about. At least with the bowl they were right there for Scylla to yell at her to grab as she rushed out the door. 

Carrying her wares further into the apartment, she let the quiet peacefulness of the day wash over her. It had been a slow morning. When she woke up, Raelle was already gone, most likely on an early morning run. Scylla preferred the lazy mornings when she would wake up to blonde hair splayed out on the pillow and slow gentle kisses that turned into lingering touches and breathy sighs. But, Raelle was still in the army, for now, and dragged herself out to jog the familiar path from their little home out to Base and back. Sometimes Abigail or Tally would be at her side, Abigail silently challenging Raelle to keep up while Tally easily chatted about whatever topic came to mind that day. Even Glory was spotted a handful of times, quiet but smiling, offering a few words here and there, but mostly just keeping pace.

There were also the handful of times Raelle was teased about running the Sprint of Shame route, which usually ended with a huffing grumpy blonde using some choice words to tell her friends where they could go. 

After a quick shower and changing into a pair of well worn jeans and a long sleeved shirt she wasn’t sure was originally hers or Raelle’s before ending up on her side of the closet, she noticed they were low on nearly everything in the kitchen. Having taken a quick trip to visit Edwin before the weather turned cold and they got caught up in Samhain and the rest of the season, the idea of stocking up had slipped the couple’s mind. 

Well, besides the rather large case of moonshine Raelle had lugged back with them.

Allegedly, she was going to share it with her fellow soldiers on Base.

Scylla secretly wondered if that meant Raelle would end up seeking her out like the first few months of their relationship, high on moonshine and love after a rousing Fort Salem party.

With a quick note to let Raelle know where she was,in case she came back before Scylla returned, Scylla strolled down to the market a few blocks away and mingled amongst the witches and civilians who made up Salem. She still found herself more comfortable with a small group of people or keeping to herself, but visiting the outdoor market was something she found she enjoyed. Inspecting the offered goods, losing herself in the crowd, much like she had as a dodger, but knowing she didn’t have to worry about someone arresting her or worse, that she was free to be who and what she was without recourse, was a life she wished for but never thought would actually happen. Not during her darkest days, when the Camarilla were winning and Raelle couldn’t even look at her. 

“Raelle?” she called out, entering the brightly lit kitchen. She easily deposited the bags on the counter with a silent hum, the apples still in place and no smashed tea leaves or bruised vegetables.

Not hearing a reply, but feeling a presence, Scylla glanced to her side.

There, standing near the window that looked out toward Fort Salem, the view of the edge of campus only blocked by a handful of large oak branches, Raelle was peering out through the glass. Dressed in the daily uniform she wore to work, her jacket open, revealing the medal hanging near her heart, glinting against the dark backdrop of her black shirt, she didn’t seem to hear Scylla walk in. 

Scylla smiled to herself, feet already moving. “Hey, you.” She closed the distance between them in a few quick steps. Her hand cupped Raelle’s cheek, and her lips pressed against hers before the nearby clock could tick a minute forward. 

Caressing the side of Raelle’s face, Scylla drew her in closer, hand coming to rest on her hip and guide her into her arms. She had missed her that morning. The familiar warmth and calm that came from her lover’s touch, her being, infused into Scylla, and she let herself soak in the feelings that still made her heart skip a beat even after all this time. 

She might have returned to the apartment, but here, pressed against Raelle, breathing in her strength and love, was when she truly was home.

Sucking on her bottom lip, a small part of her noticed Raelle wasn’t kissing her back. Not really. Brows furrowed, Scylla kissed her harder.

Raelle was still, hands not coming up as they always did to hold Scylla. She didn’t grasp her hips or loop supple arms around her back. She didn’t trace the mark at the nape of Scylla's neck or urge her to feel how much Raelle was happy to see her with a nip of playful teeth or swipe of a searching tongue.

No. She was just standing there, not pushing Scylla away but barely even moving her lips against Scylla’s.

Pulling back, worry pinched Scylla’s face. Her thumb smoothed the pale line cutting along Raelle’s jaw. Searching light blue eyes, Scylla thought she saw a flicker of sadness, of resigned despair.

Something was wrong.

“Rae?” Scylla whispered, “What’s wrong? What’s going on?” 

Raelle wordlessly stepped back. Her hands unconsciously came together, thumb pushing into the center of her palm and fingers curling around as she rubbed them together. 

“Hey,” Scylla reached for her hands, carefully breaking them apart and holding them firmly yet softly in her own. She squeezed gently, doing her best to offer comfort and support in her touch and voice.

Had something happened on Base?

To Abigail? Tally? 

Scylla’s mind raced as she tried to think of what could have happened since they went to sleep the night before. 

Her jaw ticked.

Last night.

Raelle had been quiet even then, turning off the lights and slipping into bed without a word. She’d hugged Scylla close, but didn’t speak. Didn’t slip a hand under her night shirt. Didn’t do anything but tuck her face into Scylla’s back and go to sleep. Scylla thought she was just tired. It had been a long week.

It wasn’t exhaustion.

She could see that now.

“Raelle,” her voice grew more solid. “What is it?”

“I’m not leaving.”

Scylla blinked in confusion, “Ok. That’s...good.” She never thought Raelle was. Not now that they had finally reached this point in their relationship. Both were all in. What they had between them was strong. It was the one thing Scylla believed in, no matter what. They loved each other. They were already talking about their future together. Moving out of the small apartment near Base. Moving _away_ from Base. Starting a new life. One not filled with worry and fear because of deployments and battles. No more Army. No more Spree. No more hurting. Just...peace.

Raelle looked to the side, not meeting her eyes, “I’m not seeking a discharge.”

Scylla felt everything stop.

Even her heart refused to beat.

She didn’t understand.

Raelle’s hands fell from her grip as she absently moved back, unable to stay near the words that threatened to shatter her entire self. 

Tilting her head, Scylla squinted, “What?” She must have heard wrong. Wasn’t understanding. Was thinking she heard one thing when it was something else that was said.

Raelle was quiet, “I’m not leaving the Army.”

A bitter laugh burst out, unexpected and harsh, “Funny, Raelle. Great joke.”

Raelle bit her lip, “Scyl,”

Scylla nearly flung herself away, steps reverberating against the floor, “Don’t.” Her voice, dark and gritty, didn’t rise. She forced herself to stay calm. To think.

“I’m staying, Scyl.” Raelle shrugged.

“Staying? Staying!” Scylla whipped around, eyes blazing, “We talked about this, Raelle.” So many talks. Long nights curled in each other’s arms, planning, thinking, hoping, dreaming. Talks of being free. Of living together, happy and unencumbered with any responsibilities beyond arguing over who would pick up the mail and whether or not it was Raelle’s turn to wash the dishes or take out the trash. “You don’t have to serve anymore.”

Not since the change in leadership after the Camarilla War. 

Not since veterans were offered the chance to request honorable discharge.

Not since Scylla looked into the broken tormented eyes of her girlfriend, her forever, and knew the war had taken its toll. Had nearly striped the Fixer bare of anything that made her more than an empty shell. A soul that Scylla spent months, would continue to spend years, rebuilding. 

“I can’t leave. Not now.”

“Not now?” Scylla scoffed, “You can finally leave, and you say you can’t leave _now_?” Her mouth turned into a sneer, “Who is making you do this?”

“No one is making me do anything.”

“No? Because we had decided you...we were moving on. _We did._ You and me. We talked about this. And now...what? All on your own you decided that doesn’t matter?”

A sigh, “Abigail and Tally are staying…”

“Of course,” Scylla muttered.

“And, I was offered a promotion.” Raelle finished.

She saw red.

“A promotion? You want to stay in the Army...the job that nearly got you killed more times than I can count...that almost made me lose you, because you get another shiny stripe to add to your shoulder?” 

“It’s more than that.”

“What is? You didn’t actually die, so you want to give it another try?” She shook her head, “Do you even care about me?”

“What? Yes!” Raelle leaned toward her, “Of course I do. I love you.”

“Then why are you doing this? Did you even think about how I would feel? Think about me at all?” Her hands threatened to slice through the air, the faint tether of control slipping fast, “Did you? Did you think about what it would be like for me to hear that the woman I am supposed to spend the rest of my life with is choosing to get herself killed instead of staying with me?”

“I’m not leaving you!” Raelle cried out, “I would never do that.”

“Yes, you are.” Scyll’s voice shook, “You can’t promise me you won’t leave one day and never come back.”

“They need people, Scyl.” Raelle gestured, “They need people who have served, who have been around, know how things work. Petra can’t lead this new army without people helping...training and...showing the new recruits how it is.”

“Petra Bellweather needs your help.” Scylla rolled her eyes. “To train? Or to send out to the front lines again?”

Raelle started to pace, Scylla’s eyes following her as she bounded with barely restrained energy, “Everyone is staying. Abi. Tally. Anacostia. They can’t just have a whole new batch of recruits come in and survive on their own.”

“And you’ll survive staying? You’ll be deployed, again, Raelle. You’ll have to see everything again. Everything. You’ll have to try to fix people who can’t be fixed and watch people you care about die. Then, if you come back, I’ll have to help pick up the pieces.”

“I never asked you to do that.”

“So, I should let you fall apart, instead?” Scylla’s voice rose. “Let you become someone I don’t even know? I don’t even recognize?” She glared, “I don’t even recognize who I’m talking to right now.”

“Scyl,”

“No.” Scylla held up a trembling hand, “We promised each other, Raelle.We made promises. We are supposed to finally be happy. Now, you don’t want that.”

“I want you. I still want you. I still want to be with you.”

“Did you think that when you chose the Army over me?”

“I’m not choosing the Army over you.” Raelle shot back.

“I fought so you wouldn’t have to anymore. So witches like us could be free.” Scylla pursed her lips, forcing her voice to lower, “Which was the first lie? When we talked about our future or when you made me think you actually wanted it?”

“I can’t leave. I can’t leave Abigail and Tally.”

“Tally and Abigail are fine with you leaving.” Scylla countered. “They told you it was fine. Anacostia told you it was fine. They understand.”

“There’s so much that needs to happen, now. So much that I have to help with.”

“Bullshit.” Scylla growled. “You’re a damn coward, Raelle Collar.” 

Raelle rounded on her, emotions raging, “Just because you've always hated the Army doesn’t mean what we do doesn’t matter.”

Scylla scoffed.

Raelle didn’t let up, “You can’t stand to see me in this uniform. No matter what any of us do, you will still think we are just mindless slaves who have no idea what we’re even fighting for. Heartless murderers.”

Scylla’s head tilted in disbelief, “ _I think_ I’ve seen your blood on that uniform, and I never want to see it again.” She swallowed harshly, “ _I think_ my girlfriend never believed in conscription and _knows_ why the military propaganda hurt people. _I think_ we don’t have to fight anymore.”

Raelle shook her head.

Scylla pursed her lips, “You’re scared. I am, too. But, we have to move on.” It wasn’t easy, fully leaving the Spree. Accepting that what she had now, what she accomplished, was enough. She didn’t have to keep fighting for the Cause. Didn’t have to keep chasing her parents’ ghosts. Wondering, terrified, for the first few weeks after the War was over if the offered pardon was real or if she was going to be whisked away in the middle of the night to the Caribbean prison once promised to her.

“Move on to what?” Raelle swallowed thickly, “You’re acting like it’s going to be so easy.”

“I never said that.” 

“I can’t do anything else!” Raelle roared. “I’m a Fixer, Scyl. That’s all I know how to do. That’s all I’ve ever learned to do.”

“Then, you fix people. Outside of the army.”

“How?” Raelle shrugged helplessly, “We’re not supposed to do Work outside of military sanctioned situations. Even if I did, no civilian willingly goes to a clinic run by a witch. No clinic even hires them. I’d be fixing people in backrooms and alleyways until they stopped coming or I got caught.”

“We can figure it out, Raelle!” Scylla yelled back, “That’s what we do. We work together. We figure it out together. You can get another job, just like I am.”

“We don’t have to figure anything out!” Raelle shouted, “I have a job I can do. I have a place I belong to. You out of anyone should respect that. Understand that.”

Scylla stared at her.

Breathing heavily, Raelle didn’t blink, “They’re my family, Scyl. That’s my family. You want me to leave them.”

“I never said that.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I want you to be with me.” Scylla felt her eyes sting. "I want you to be safe. I want everything I ever did to matter."

“Running isn’t the answer to everything. We can’t always run because it’s the only way you know how to deal with anything.”

Scylla drew back like she had been slapped. She blinked, face flickering.

Raelle’s chin quivered. She turned her head, not able to look at the brunette.

The room grew quiet.

Raelle walked over to the counter, gripping it, the muscles in her forearms straining and her shoulders tense. 

She still didn’t look at Scylla.

“How long?”

Raelle sniffed, “How long what?”

“How long until your next deployment?”

A sigh, “Scyl,”

“How long, Raelle?”

“I don’t know.”

“You will be deployed, though?” 

Silence.

A tear rolled down her cheek. “You’re a coward, Raelle Collar.”

Raelle’s back stiffened. 

Scylla’s voice cracked, “At least look at me when you’re breaking my heart.”

Raelle slowly turned, face one word, one breath, away from crumbling as she tried to hide it. She looked off to the side, dodging blue eyes. 

Scylla would never forget this moment. 

Breaking the silent spell, Raelle pushed away from the counter. She stomped out of the kitchen, heading toward the front door.

“Thought I was the runner!” Scylla called after her.

“What is there left to say, Scylla?” Raelle flung her hands up. “Do you want to just end it now?”

Scylla’s stomach dropped.

End it?

“Do you?” Scylla asked shakily.

Raelle wordlessly shook her head. She made her way towards the front door, “I have to go.”

Scylla watched her. 

She walked past the bowl with the keys.

“Keys, Rae.” Scylla murmured.

Raelle paused as her hand reached for the door. 

“I love you,” Scylla said, tears ruffling her words. “Why can’t this be enough?”

Raelle leant her forehead against the wooden door.

Scylla wiped a tear from her cheek, “I never thought you would leave me like this.” 

“You want me to leave my family. The only place I’ve ever fit in. The only thing I know how to do.”

“I want you to love me back. I’m not asking you to leave them. I’m asking you to be with me. Choose me. Choose our life together. Like I chose you. Like I keep choosing you.”

Raelle’s body slumped, “I can’t believe you think I’ve ever not chosen you.” A shuddering breath, “This isn’t about you, Scyl.”

“This is about us. Everything about you, everything that has to do with you, impacts me too.” Her hands quivered, “Unless you don’t want it to.”

“I’m not like you, Scyl. I was always going to enlist. This was all I was ever going to do. My friends are staying. I’m not abandoning them.”

“When I first met you, your hot garbage plan was to get yourself killed. Die young. Die early.” Her lips trembled, “The longer you stay, the closer you get to achieving your plan. You want me to be here and watch. You want to lay in our bed and talk about a future you refuse to allow to happen. And, you didn’t even have the courage to tell me it was all a lie until now.”

“You know about lies, don’t you?”

“I never chose something else over you. You always came first.”

“I’m not choosing something else over you.”

“I don’t want you to go back. I want you to take the discharge. I want to never see you in that damn uniform ever again. A change at the top doesn’t mean you won’t be sent to die for civilians who never cared about you in the first place. Petra Bellweather is not Alder, but she’s not one of us, either.” Her voice cracked, “We can finally go someplace safe, _together_ , and you won’t do it.”

Raelle didn’t respond.

Scylla nodded, “Don’t forget your keys, Rae. I might not be here to let you in when you get back.”

A tense moment.

Then, Raelle plucked her set of keys from the bowl and left.

* * *

A firm knock on the door drew Scylla out of her thoughts.

She looked over from her perch at the kitchen table, mug of tea, long gone cold, in front of her, a ring of water encircling the bottom of it on the wood. The morning sun was stark against the darkness clouding the otherwise empty home. 

The knock echoed again.

She didn’t want to answer it. She wanted to be left alone. 

She wanted to scream.

She wanted to cry.

She wanted to feel something other than the desolate despair itching at her skin and making her feel as if she were sinking deeper and deeper into a never-ending hole, unable to stop, to breathe, to think, to grasp onto something solid and real and lift herself up toward the light.

A third knock.

Closing her eyes, she inhaled sharply. 

A fourth time.

Silently cursing to herself, she rose from the chair. She walked to the door, frowning as she opened it, ready to tell whoever was on the other side to leave.

Anacostia stared at her, face stoic but eyes compassionate.

Scylla’s face wavered.

“I see you are doing about as well as Collar.” Anacostia pushed past her into the apartment.

“Please, come in.” Scylla snarked. She shut the door, “I’m not exactly taking visitors at the moment, but if you want to come back later, I’m sure there will be a going away party.”

Anacostia scoffed, moving toward the kitchen, “Didn’t take you for a quitter, Ramshorn.”

Scylla’s jaw clenched, “What do you want?”

Anacostia took in the cold tea and half unpacked bag of vegetables on the counter, “Heard you and Collar had a fight.” She looked at Scylla, “It might not seem like it, but I care about you two. Against all of my better judgment and sense of self preservation, might I add.”

Scylla brought a hand to her forehead, a dull ache throbbing against her fingertips, “You know.”

“That she didn’t sign her discharge papers and was offered a promotion?” Anacostia nodded, “I was there.”

“And you didn’t stop her.” A bitter chuckle, “Of course you wouldn’t.”

“It wasn’t my place to do so.”

“No, it wasn’t. Raelle did this all on her own.” 

Anacostia’s head tilted slightly, “It’s who she is.”

Scylla’s hand dropped to her side as she shook her head.

“Did you actually think she was going to quit?”

“I thought she was going to talk to me.” Scylla responded, “I thought she was going to do what we both decided.”

Anacostia crossed her arms, “Collar does have the penchant for going off half cocked.”

“Half cocked?” Scylla’s eyes glinted, “We made decisions. We agreed.”

Anacostia studied her for a moment, “You’re afraid she’s going to die.”

“Aren’t you?” 

Anacostia took a step toward the younger witch, “I cannot guarantee anything. I know General Bellweather respects and understands the sacrifices veterans have made, and the skills and experience they bring to the table.”

“Raelle was a combat medic. Her skills get her deployed. And General Bellweather isn’t ending any of the wars.”

“Her skills are also vital for rebuilding and retraining the Fixer units.” The Fixers had been hard hit during the Camarilla War, the combination of ruthless surprise attacks with no care for whether someone was a combatant or medic, previously unknown weaponry, and limited numbers being stretched thin resulted in many Fixers losing their lives on the battlefield and in the hastily constructed infirmaries. 

“Are you saying she won’t be deployed?”

“I’m saying you knew who you were with before Bellweather and Craven picked her up the other day.”

Scylla swallowed thickly, unable to help herself, “Is she ok?”

A shrug, “As to be expected.”

Scylla nodded, lips thinning.

A sigh, “Tell me what you’re worried about.”

“You mean besides the fact my girlfriend is staying with an army that nearly got her killed more than once and never saw her as more than a body to throw into danger? An army that never gave a damn about her? About any of us?”

“Things are changing. We are changing things. Petra Bellweather may be ambitious, but she also recognizes faults in our current system. Conscription is on it’s way to ending. Lifelong service is not required.” A tiny smirk, “Doesn’t hurt her daughter is friends with your girl.” 

Scylla moved to the table, fiddling with the mug. She picked it up and placed it in the sink. Pausing she stared at the handful of dishes and silverware scattered about, “She promised me we would finally start our lives together away from all this. She broke that.”

“She loves you.”

Scylla closed her eyes, body shaking.

“Collar has given me more grey hairs than anyone, except maybe you. But, she is loyal. She is loyal to her unit and she is loyal to you. What she did was wrong. I agree. Don’t let yourself think that what she did means she doesn't love you or value you. That kid fought tooth and nail to come back home to you. She made it through the War because of you. Just like you fought to be with her.” A breath, “Be angry. You should be. Be upset. But, she doesn’t want what you two have to end, and I don’t think you do either.”

“She left me.”

“Has she ever not come back?”

* * *

The sun had set, the moon rising and casting pale twilight into the bedroom. Scylla laid on her side, unable to rest. Unable to give in to the throes of slumber and let the worries and aches drift away. 

She ignored how the other side of the bed was empty.

How big the bed felt without another body pressed up against her.

How that body, that woman, was not there with her, and might never be again.

In the stillness, a faint scratching sound echoed in the darkness.

Scylla tensed.

The scratching continued, followed by a muted thump. 

Someone was there.

Flinging the blankets off her, Scylla swung her legs around and let her feet hit the ground. She stood up, carefully picking her way through the dark. The correct protective seed to use instantly came to mind. She peered out into the living room, spotting nothing.

Another thump.

It was at the front door.

Footsteps silent, she sped over. 

Opening her mouth, prepared to hum, she unlocked the door and opened it slowly.

A disheveled Raelle, clothes wrinkled and eyes bloodshot, stood on the other side, face twisted into a mixture of frustration and grief.

“Rae?” Scylla swung the door open fully. “What are you doing?”

Raelle swayed on her feet, “‘M sorry. I lost my keys.”

Scylla’s shoulders dropped, “Rae.”

She licked her lips, “I miss you. I miss you so much, and I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t want to lose you, I can’t lose you. Abi says I’m being an idiot and Tally thinks I should give you time, but I can’t because I love you, and I want to be with you. I want you. I don’t want anything else.”

“Raelle,” Scylla interrupted her increasingly frantic speech, “come inside.” She grabbed her hand, tugging her in and closing the door.

“I love you, Scyl. So much. I just want to help people but I can’t lose you, and I’m so mad and unhappy but I won’t be, I can do this, I can do whatever you want, but you know me, or I thought you did, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Shh,” Scylla shushed her. She cupped the side of her neck, “Are you drunk?”

She couldn’t, wouldn’t, do this if Raelle was.

Raelle sniffed and shook her head, “Please, don’t leave me.”

Scylla felt whatever fight she had inside melt away, “I’m not leaving you.” 

Raelle had tears in her eyes, “I don’t know what to do, Scyl.”

“It’s ok.” Scylla grasped the lapel of her jacket, “We’ll figure it out in the morning. Come to bed.”

Raelle leaned into her, tucking her nose in the crease of her collar, “I want to be with you forever.”

Scylla cupped the back of her head, biting her lip to hold in her own tears, “I know, baby. I do, too.”

“I don’t want to die.”

“I know.”

“I can’t be anything else.”

A sigh, “I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

They stood there, holding each other.

Nothing was resolved.

But, they were both home.

They were both together. 

It was a start.


End file.
